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At a press conference early this morning, President Obama announced that the three unalienable rights promised to us in the Declaration of Independence, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, will expire on January 1, 2011. This is the first time in this country's 234 year history that Congress did not unanimously vote to renew them.
"These are tough times and sacrifices need to be made," said the president, with Mrs. Obama forcing a fat kid to do 300 push-ups behind him. "By making life no longer a given right of the people, we will save this country the millions of dollars in court and prison costs required for putting murderers behind bars. I know we used to walk around feeling safe that we wouldn't just be stabbed in the supermarket, but we have to do our part to save this economy."
The president also added that ambulances will no longer be dispatched to pick up the body of anyone murdered after New Years. It will be up to the next of kin to rent a truck and haul their loved one off to the morgue themselves.
Obama then ended his speech, "Life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness; all these things cost money, and it's a luxury we can no longer afford to keep. In these tough economic times, some of the things we have taken for granted in the past need to be given up for the good of the country. Mrs. Obama and I have made many sacrifices ourselves. Just last week at the end of my shiatsu massage, I decided to save my $50 and forego my usual happy ending "
He also stated that the right to party that the Beastie Boys fought for and won for us in the 1980s will expire in 2012, which is when a new partying tax will be instated.
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